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doubt / doubt!
04:47
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i don’t have to be your first choice…
hell, i don’t need to be your third choice neither!
i could even be your last choice!
as long as i’m the one you take, as long as i’m the one you make yours!
…for a while.
i wanna crawl back to hell from whence i came, when i make you cross honey!
i wanna crawl far away from all this ugly that resides in me,
all this ugly that’s inside of me,
all this ugly that’s gonna die with me.
but you say doubt breeds doubt!
i know all about your wayward heart strings…
hell, i don’t mean to hold them against you neither!
but when i tell you bout my bad dreams-
the ones that end in all night tears, it always ends in a vicious fever!
…for a while
but i don’t care cause i’d walk through fire, just so i could be with you!
i don’t care cause if you and me’s a lie honey, i don’t want the truth!
if you and me’s a lie honey, i don’t want the truth.
so go on, watch me crawl back to hell from whence i came, cause i make you cross honey!
go on, watch me crawl far away from all this ugly that resides in me,
all this ugly, all this ugly, all this ugly that’s gonna die with me.
but hey, doubt breeds doubt!
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having crawled back through these hills, knowing full well the devil walks this wilderness-
i hear em in the night, oh i hear em in the night, wounded animal as i am.
i wake in the half light, i am wailing at your window!
i wake in the half light and i am clawing at your door!
i wake in the half light, i am wailing at your window!
i wake in the half light and i am crawling toward and clawing at your door!
for my soul,
my little soul,
my silly little soul don’t know better than to reach for yours.
you’ve not unleashed me! why won’t you release me?
you keep a piece, but i’m still whole.
and i don’t expect you to recall each subtle way you asked “stay small?”
right when you got what you wanted, you didn’t want me at all!
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- oh i don’t know!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you are- change it all!”
having wondered for my worth, knowing full well what the wandering had stirred-
i feel it in my breast, oh i feel it and this is my best, feral scavenger as i am.
i hunt in the half light for that thing that got away!
i hunt in the half light for that which dare call itself prey!
i hunt in the half light for that thing i never had!
i hunt in the half light for the wild, the broken, the bad!
for my soul,
my little soul,
my silly little soul don’t know better than to crave to have.
it’s a fire that all consumes me, a hunger that keeps me raw!
it wanted to crack you open, it wanted to watch me thaw that…
discerning that makes you stoic. that stillness will make you old!
my problem’s that i’m a sucker, your problem’s that you run cold.
so go on and run cold!
but hey! don’t expect me to recall reach subtle way i asked “stay small?”
right when i got what i wanted, i couldn’t see you at all!
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- oh please don’t go!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you are- change it all!”
and i don’t expect you to recall each subtle way you asked “stay small?”
right when you got what you wanted, you didn’t want me at all!
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- oh i don’t know!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you- i love you for it!”
“you’re what you are, you’re what you are, you’re what you are- change it all!”
pleasure’s a bad bad joke, when you leave out desire.
the night gets real real cold, when you won’t feed the fire.
this is my last stand!
you’re not the last man that will ever hold my less than lily hand in his!
you’ll too recover to love another, but i don’t believe you’ll ever care to see me again.
yet i love you my friend!
my lost and long gone friend!
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i still ain’t heard nebraska all the way through.
i had a hankering to ask you if i could hear you sing along,
but it all feels so wrong to ask you for anything more.
still, i implore you to tell me-
where you are? how you are?
tell me, do you still wanna be a star?
hell, you know i miss you anyhow,
and it’s all just song fodder now.
i think it’s time i bow out.
your torchbearer no more!
i weren’t the spark you’re looking for!
my hands they are tired!
my knuckles are charred!
your torchbearer no more!
cause now i only dance in the dark.
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winter it was dry, so we ain’t got no river.
we clap and sing and cry, pray that the sky delivers.
water, make me kind! i’m tired of being ruthless.
i try to find the light. i try to find the truth in this.
is this what makes a life? i’m trying to decipher
what i can invite, and what i’ll have to siphon.
standing under the burning, the sky and all its breadth.
leti says desert people see life where there is death,
so i am trying to see the life where there is death.
what you love can knock you down- she learned it at the ocean.
upheave’ll wash you brave. waning is how i’ve known you.
fluid is the strength! soft and gentle i am alone.
revealed by what’s destroyed, love’s water, i am sandstone.
is this what makes a life? i’m trying to decipher
what i can invite, and what i’ll have to siphon.
standing under the burning, the sky and all its breadth.
leti says desert people see life where there is death,
she helps me see all the life where there is death.
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as time draws near, my dearest dear, when you and i must part.
what little you know of the grief and woe in my poor aching heart!
each night, i suffer for your sake. you’re the one i love so dear.
i wish that i was going with you, or you were staying here!
i wish my breast was made of glass, wherein you might behold,
for there your name lies wrote my dear! in letters made of gold!
for there your name lies wrote my dear. believe me when i say
you are the one i love the best, until my dying day!
the blackest crow that ever was would surely turn to white
if ever i prove false to you, bright day be turned to night!
bright day be turned to night my love, the elements would mourn
if ever i prove false to you, the seas will rage and burn!
so when you’re on some distant shore, think of your absent friend.
and when the wind blows high and clear, a light to me pray send!
oh when the wind blows high and clear, pray send your love to me
that i might know by your handwrite how time has gone with thee!
that very crow, my darling one, i watch him as he flies.
still shining fine obsidian! i hear his murder’s cries!
loathe as i am, far as you are, my heart has remained true.
as deep and dark his midnight wings, my love remains for you.
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i am practicing silence so i might hear your voice ring out.
i am practicing silence cause you don’t wanna hear what i’m on about.
truth be told, i’m practicing silence cause i’m proud
and i don’t want you to know how i been spinning out!
maybe we had to call it cause your heart was always with her.
maybe we had to call it cause i made too much of a mess for either to endure.
truth be told, we called it cause it just wasn’t right
and i wish i’d never held onto you so damn tight!
i’m reminded our love was like driving west at sunset
through the finding, the binding, the pain and the beauty, the bitter weight of my regret.
truth be told, some days i still drink to forget
that i am the only one who ain’t over it yet!
i’m still practicing silence, but these days i’m on the mend.
i’m still practicing silence, though there was a time i called you my dearest friend.
truth be told, i’m still practicing silence to be free.
though i’d still like to know what your life has been like without me!
time passed so fast, now you’re long gone.
i’ve lost my dowsing rod!
but i’m still carrying on looking for water.
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as i walk the path we used to run, i’m struck by all the ways the sun
illuminates the mountains and shrouds its mysteries.
it’s a bit like you and me.
as i’m basking in the sun’s bright rage, i’m struck by all the good that change
comes waving in the face of a wicked tragedy,
tragedy like you and me.
it’s like an aspen grove!
it’s like a phoenix, this i know!
this much i know-
nothing goes to waste.
thank you for letting me go.
thank you for letting me grow.
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sun up over sangres, sun down through the gilas,
the sweetness between us and upper gallinas…
how's that old man you said would remember
the way we once were after many decembers?
the places we’d been?
my face evergreen in your red cedar tree memory.
after my many blunders, that tree would you soon sunder?
dig it up from its home in his mind?
would you burn it and leave it behind?
i sing for that old man, you see,
not for the young buck that he used to be.
i sing this for him and his grievous old tree,
serenade cedar and sweet old fogey.
silence through the spanish peaks, confession at the factory.
fantasy bound us, now coldness surrounds us…
could love so wrought ever stay tender?
of steel and of iron, destruction our mender,
the softer creatures that we did render
left us to become such wayward pretenders.
the new walzenburg ghosts, gilded age rubble their humble new hosts.
rusty pipes took their place in our hearts,
bore a rift that was there from the start.
i sing for that metal, you see,
not for the promises made you and me.
i sing for that old broken down factory,
serenade red busted brick mystery.
tall grass round a pinewood home where old friends and lovers roam,
the warmth in your strange face, could i your memory replace…
i dreamt of your golden haired baby boy.
your glistening hazels were a’blazing with joy
on the porch of the house you had built on the plains
with your beautiful wife and her hair all in braids.
he climbed in my lap, brought his hands to my face. when he laughed, all my pain he erased.
saw in me more than lost and forlorn,
he forgave me my trifling scorn.
i sing for all that child did teach,
not for the friendship we lost in the breach.
i sing for the innocence that i redeemed.
i sing for a moment we shared in a dream.
i sing for all that will never be spoke,
not for the bridges that must remain broke.
who knows if this will ever get through?
could this be the last song i’m singing for you?
darlin, this is the last song i’m singing for you.
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Jude Brothers Santa Fe, New Mexico
Jude Brothers is an Arkansas forged and New Mexico molded folksy leaning singer songwriter with a penchant for whimsy and tender heartedness.
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