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looking for water / finding home!

by Jude Brothers

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1.
they say earnestness is fallen out of style, yet i can hear your call across a thousand country miles, as the crow flies north, two days and then some change! what promise will you make? what nest might we arrange? o my heart’s my own! from now until i die! but i can give ya love, unruly and divine… unruly and divine!!!
2.
sun up over sangres, sun down through the gilas, the sweetness between us and upper gallinas… how's that old man you said would remember the way we once were after many decembers? the places we’d been? my face evergreen in your red cedar tree memory. after my many blunders, that tree would you soon sunder? dig it up from its home in his mind? would you burn it and leave it behind? i sing for that old man, you see, not for the young buck that he used to be. i sing this for him and his grievous old tree, serenade cedar and sweet old fogey. silence through the spanish peaks, confession at the factory. fantasy bound us, now coldness surrounds us… could love so wrought ever stay tender? of steel and of iron, destruction our mender, the softer creatures that we did render left us to become such wayward pretenders. the new walzenburg ghosts, gilded age rubble their humble new hosts. rusty pipes took their place in our hearts, bore a rift that was there from the start. i sing for that metal, you see, not for the promises made you and me. i sing for that old broken down factory, serenade red busted brick mystery. tall grass round a pinewood home where old friends and lovers roam, the warmth in your strange face, could i your memory replace… i dreamt of your golden haired baby boy. your glistening hazels were a’blazing with joy on the porch of the house you had built on the plains with your beautiful wife and her hair all in braids. he climbed in my lap, brought his hands to my face. when he laughed, all my pain he erased. saw in me more than lost and forlorn, he forgave me my trifling scorn. i sing for all that child did teach, not for the friendship we lost in the breach. i sing for the innocence that i redeemed. i sing for a moment we shared in a dream. i sing for all that will never be spoke, not for the bridges that must remain broke. who knows if this will ever get through? could this be the last song i’m singing for you? darlin, this is the last song i’m singing for you.
3.
i am practicing silence so i might hear your voice ring out. i am practicing silence cause you don’t wanna hear what i’m on about. truth be told, i’m practicing silence cause i’m proud and i don’t want you to know how i been spinning out! maybe we had to call it cause your heart was always with her. maybe we had to call it cause i made too much of a mess for either to endure. truth be told, we called it cause it just wasn’t right and i wish i’d never held onto you so damn tight! i’m reminded our love was like driving west at sunset through the finding, the binding, the pain and the beauty, the bitter weight of my regret. truth be told, some days i still drink to forget that i am the only one who ain’t over it yet! i’m still practicing silence, but these days i’m on the mend. i’m still practicing silence, though there was a time i called you my dearest friend. truth be told, i’m still practicing silence to be free. though i’d still like to know what your life has been like without me! time passed so fast, now you’re long gone. i’ve lost my dowsing rod! but i’m still carrying on looking for water.
4.
in the attuning, i was just making room to seek out a hollow, distant call- before the wounding, before the grooming. i’m only human after all! in the erasure, i hadn’t found my place, sure, but i was eager just to try. i sought to fill my cup, found i could not get enough… don’t understand the reason why i spent much time courting statues of marble and limestone and who had no desire to soften, thus i danced a futile dance round each lonely second chance. it was entanglement or bust! but i can still remember, that long before the benders, i was so curious and wise: a filthy feral darling just digging, crawling, snarling, before i wore a girl’s disguise… these days i’m on a mission to grant that critter’s wishing, and see that mystery abounds! so i’m gonna take my time, set my roots, grow my vines, just be alive with what surrounds! And i could go on and on about all the time i’ve misspent, but if i just spent it a little different? i’m gonna build a life that i don’t wanna escape from! i’m gonna hold on tight to the good parts of where i came from! i’m gonna turn the tide with nothing to be ashamed of! i’m gonna open wide and let in all of the good love!

about

From Jude:
“looking for water/finding home!” is a live recording from a set performed on the local tv station in my hometown of Fayetteville, AR. I like to think of it as a time capsule- a capturing of some old songs and some new, as I’ve been performing them with my mini harp on the road much of this year. As I’m transitioning out of the “render tender/blunder sunder” universe and into my next body of work, it feels nice to have this little live EP moment to bridge the worlds and mark the moving forward!

In addition to the render tender tunes “last song/upper gallinas!” & “practicing silence/looking for water!” , the two new songs are called “yearnestness!” and “i’m gonna build a life i don’t wanna escape from!”.

“yearnestness!” is a short and sweet love song- now dedicated to an imaginary romantic love that feels old fashioned in its slow spaciousness, while also remaining ultimately untameable. It is a simple offering- “I can promise earnest and eager love, but you will never contain or own me.” - and that will just have to be good enough.

“i’m gonna build a life i don’t wanna escape from!” is written about freeing myself from habits of self-destruction rooted in escapism- there have been many over the years. This became a rallying cry for me to myself, an inspiration to do my best to create circumstances to exist in that make me want to stay present in my own life. It’s helped me work through a lot of shit, and I hope it might do the same for someone else.

Sometimes a performance just feels so honest that you wanna let it exist in multiple formats, so here we are! While I go back into the woodshed to carve up another full length, I hope y’all will enjoy “looking for water/finding home!”.

credits

released November 29, 2023

All songs written and performed by Jude Brothers
Recorded, mixed and mastered by Wai-Kay Carenbauer at Fayetteville Public Access

Access Television in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

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Jude Brothers Santa Fe, New Mexico

Jude Brothers is an Arkansas forged and New Mexico molded folksy leaning singer songwriter with a penchant for whimsy and tender heartedness.

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